Attention Shoppers . . . We Need to Talk

Dear Crazy People Who Shop at My Work,

I don't want you to think that I'm writing this letter to hurt your feelings, because I'm not. (Okay, maybe calling you crazy isn't really reflective of that, but bear with me.) I really just want to help you . . . and you definitely need help. I think our other customers (ie: normal crafters) would agree. You're giving them a bad name. All they want to do is buy their scrapbooking/knitting/art supplies and now they have to worry about being stigmatized as "crazy" because you went shopping in your stained purple sweatpants and freaked out because we didn't have enough doll shorts to clothe all of your Build-A-Bear cats.

I realize that in your fervor to finish your latest project, you stayed up until 3 AM and watched an infomercial that featured the latest crafting technology that you must possess RIGHT NOW. However, describing it as "that thing that does scrapbooking stuff" does not help me identify what you're looking for. I need a name. And please don't start treating me like an idiot because I don't know what you're looking for from your incredibly vauge description. Let's work together on this and I'm sure we can figure it out.

I understand that matching dye lots is an important part of the knitting process. It is perfectly understandable that you would want your dog sweater to be all the same color. However, if we don't have the dye lot you are looking for, all the yelling and hair pulling in the world will not make it magically appear. Take a deep breath and I will call another store.

We all like saving money. Who wants to pay full price if they don't have to? That being said, are you sure you know how a coupon works? Normally, you would present the coupon to the cashier and they would deduct a percentage off of the designated item. The coupon is the key to getting that percentage off. That means you actually have to bring it in for me to apply it to your purchase. Telling me that you left the coupon on your kitchen table does not help you. It would be like me having a coupon for soup, but going to the grocery store without it and expecting to get the $.35 off any way. It's not going to happen. Besides, it's unfair to the people who actually take the time to bring in their coupon.

I don't make the rules. I wish I did. (I would start by making strict regulations about screaming children.) The back of the receipt outlines our return policy. If you fall outside this policy, you get store credit. End of story. I don't care how much money you spend here (It's way too much, by the way. Why are you buying this crap in the first place?) or that you paid full price and you think it's unfair that you're now getting the sale price back. No receipt, no dice.

I don't want us to be enemies. You, essentially, are the reason I have a job. We need to be friends and go on this journey together. I can't take that journey with you if you are a total nutball, though. Take your medicine, put on some decent pants, come in, and we'll talk.

Love,
Tabitha