Friday, July 16, 2010

It Came From the $5 Bin: Alone in the Dark

Alone in the Dark
OnDemand - Free (Thank God!)

Directed by Uwe Boll

Starring: Christian Slater (What happened to you, man?)
Tara Reid (Kiss of death)
Stephen Dorff (Really, dude?)

This film is a (very) loose adaptation of the video game of the same name. The game was a reboot of the popular Alone in the Dark series from the early 90s, and was a solid hit amongst gamers. Since the film version was directed by Uwe Boll, however, it doesn't stand a chance. Boll is a frequent director of video game adaptations and three of his films are rated on the "100 Worst Films of the 2000s" - BloodRayne, House of the Dead, and . . . this film.

I wanted this film to be good. I have a soft spot for Christian Slater (mostly because of Heathers and Pump Up the Volume), and I've been hoping that he would be able to make some semblance of a comeback, despite his problems over the years (drug and alcohol issues and a few domestic violence claims). Instead, he's done a string of bad movies and a few failed TV shows.

The flick also stars Stephen Dorff, who I've always found to be a fairly underrated actor. He was in one of my favorite Lifetime movies: I Know My First Name is Steven (check out the book if you can't find the film - it's a true story and very heartbreaking). He rocked as Stuart Sutcliffe in Backbeat. He was awesome as Deacon Frost in Blade (probably his best known role). He even got some pretty good reviews for his performance in the understated thriller Cold Creek Manor. All of these points make me wonder, why is he in this suckfest?

I should have known how bad the suckage was going to be when I saw Tara Reid's name. Casting her in a movie is like slapping a big sticker on the poster that says, "Don't See this Film". She hasn't done a good flick since Van Wilder (and I'm being generous because I like Ryan Reynolds). I'm pretty sure whatever brain cells she hasn't killed off with booze, she's nixed with her repeated plastic surgeries.

Mechanical dinosaurs I can buy, but Tara Reid, Archaeologist? Give me a break, movie!

The plot is ridiculous. Slater stars as Edward Carnby, an agent for Bureau 713, a government run paranormal unit that conducted top-secret experiments on him as a child. Carnby is sent to investigate something paranormal at a museum. He meets up with his archaeologist ex-girlfriend (Reid), they have sex, and then do battle with mechanical dinosaurs. Dorff plays the commander of the 713 unit, who, for some reason, dress in SWAT gear all the time.

Christian Slater in . . . Future War 2!

This flick looks like a Sci-Fi Channel movie, which is a scary thought, considering it cost $20,000,000 to make. I honestly tried to do an in depth plot description, but the film was so lame, I couldn't force myself to reccount the whole thing. (Besides, you don't want to waste your time reading it, believe me.)

Alone in the Dark gets 0 out of a possible 5 Torgos.

1 comment:

  1. Yikes! Sounds aweful. I can't believe you beared to watch the whole thing.


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